A Balloon in Cactus
Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
Unable to achieve world peace, though I had resolved to do so last year, it's probably a better idea to keep my New Year's resolutions simple and in line with my limited capabilities.
Toward that goal I will work to succeed in keeping the following 2007 promises to myself:
- 10. Call the 800 numbers on unwanted junk catalogs jammed into my mailbox and tell them to take my name off their mailing list. If they want to pay me for my information instead of the marketing company that sold it to them without my knowledge or permission, then maybe we can negotiate.
- 9. Write letter to television's CSI producers asking why women on their forensic team don't wear headgear to prevent their hair from falling on the crime scene and screwing up the evidence, or Katherine Willows might be arrested. Vote to bring back the snood.
- 8. Find out why the baskets on professional basketball courts remain at the same height for 7-feet-and-over players that they were at when players were still well under six feet tall.
- 7. Stop shampooing two times when once is enough. Labels that lie and say you have to shampoo twice are another marketing ploy, like television's fake rave reviews touting really bad movies. Common sense may not be that common, but it's all we've got.
- 6. Start a grass roots movement to find out why film producers use Roman numerals stating the year the movie was made. Nobody can ever figure out what it means, even if they count on all fingers and toes.
- 5. Stop buying DVDs from PBS until they remove the commercials. Since I paid for the DVDs, they shouldn't have the right to shove insurance ads down my weary throat.
- 4. Save water by not washing vegetables before cooking because nuking, boiling, and frying is bound to kill all the germs. It certainly didn't do those ants any good.
- 3. Suggest to the government that it might consider stuffing some of its tax collections into the pockets of the poor, if not the potholes on las carreteras.
- 2. Tell U.S. President Bush that it's pronounced "NOO CLEE ER" and not "NOO KYU LAR." If he fails to get it right, try not to stare at him in disbelief.
And the most important Resolution of all, at Number One:
- 1. Find a way to buy products made in Oaxaca so that, even if the organized political discord continues to destroy that city's economy, the people won't starve for want of tourist dollars.
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Maggie Van Ostrand, writer, lives in Ajijic, Mexico and Pine Mountain, California.
Her stories appear in the Chicago Tribune, the Boston Globe, El Ojo Del Lago, and various magazines. She co-authored "Home Is Where The Hurt Is" with Tony- and Grammy-winning country humorist Roger Miller, and ghostwrites for television sitcoms.
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