Stuff I Miss (In Praise of Wine Gums)
By Anthony Wright
His BioMoving to another country usually involves the hardship of giving up the familiarities of one’s homeland, and despite the periodic yearnings for a natural habitat, season, sport, loved one, or even TV show, it seems to me that bidding adieu to certain foods incurs among the most formidable of sacrifices, replete with Pavlovian pangs upon salivary recall.
Ciao baby.. those simple delicacies you took so nonchalantly for granted.. you will most likely never see or more to the point eat them again in your new place of residence (unless sent), nor even happenstance upon an equivalent remotely resembling the taste you wateringly recall - and to the core of your being, to the last refined essence of its flavor, knew so well on your taste buds. OR you find something that runs close, oh so close to that wistful yummy of yore and that’s even worse, since you are more cruelly reminded of the subtle difference which made your treat the favorite to you, and which in turn entreats disavowal of the interloper.
The power of food... In my case, call that candy.
All right, I am an Australian, I live in Mexico. Over a period of five years I’ve desired meat pies, hot-baked “Hades” bread, not to mention authentic rye, the best pizzas in the world, Aussie red wines of the finest class, and port that doesn’t - as it does here - solely come from Oporto, but the Barossa Valley, South Australia, and as good, or better, than the Portuguese plonk and much, much cheaper. As for a disgusting yeast extract called “Vegemite” - which Aussies, swept like chaff from Zanzibar to Land’s End to Antarctic research stations, are rumored to pine over day and night - I have gagged on it since I was a child; and after a miserable purgatory being force-fed this acrid sludge from the age of three until roughly the age of four, Mother wisely swore off trying to convert me. There’s also the Boston bun, Christmas pudding (with sixpence in it), passionfruit, pavlova, Red Rooster chicken, roast beef, sausage rolls...
But most of all I miss the candies, sweets, dulces, or, as we call them back home, lollies. There is a bewildering array of lollies (and to this I must add chocolates) which I miss savoring and eating with a vengeance: after dinner mints, caremelos, chocolate glucose chicos, flakes, fruit gums, jelly babies, licorice blocks, licorice twists, milky bars, peppermint aero bars, peppermint chocolate, peppermint crisps, polly waffles, Quality Street, snakes, strawberries-and-cream, teeth, toffees, Turkish delights, violet crumbles, wagon wheels...
When once surrounded by all these wonderful lollies, how haughtily I considered them part of the scenery, to only occasionally nibble on - 10 or 15 times a week (and often less, in due consideration of my teeth). Now, deprived of their pleasure, I wander through a barren land, and no number of tacos or tequila shots can placate the misery...
Yet of all the above mentioned foodstuffs so dear to my stomach, I have omitted mention of the singular object of ceaseless, feverish obsession. I would sacrifice consuming all the other delectables for as many years as I’ve missed them again, for a bounteous supply of the greatest lolly of them all...
Wine gums.
Specifically, Maynards Wine Gums - invented by a great man, Charles Maynard. The history on the packet tells the tale:
“At the turn of the century, confectioner Charles Maynard made sweet history when he first delighted candy lovers with his new and unique creation. Bursting with flavor and a delicate pleasure to chew, Maynards Wine Gums are simply a great candy. The pleasantly firm texture allows the full fruit flavors to linger - similar to the pleasurable experience of savoring a fine wine. Wine Gums seemed most appropriate a label. This classic label has been the hallmark for this product. Share the tradition: The Original Maynard Wine Gums made fresh for you to enjoy!”
There are other brands of wine gums, such as Halibut, and they’re all quite delicious. In my current state of deprivation I would easily settle for another brand, but there’s something about Maynards Wine Gums that has the edge on the competition. Especially the Maynards black wine gum. I often think that Maynards should manufacture “black packs” just filled with black wine gums, what a flavor... But I love them all: orange, yellow, green, red. These wine gums rule.
Naturally they’re not available in Mexico - this obviously sums up the denouement of my sorry tale. But here’s the surprise: in the country where you can supposedly get “anything” - I refer to our northern neighbor, the United States - you cannot obtain wine gums for love or money. Actually, U.S. candies are not very nice at all. U.S. licorice, for example, doesn’t hold a candle to the Aussie stuff. Mexican candy is not much better. Actually, it’s much, much worse. I am rather incredulous that the Mexicans invented chocolate. The local chocolates are awful, manufactured with about as much imagination and love as rivets. Leaving aside the Swiss and those European nations preoccupied with elitist candy aims, the art of great, proletarian candy - the quintessence of a beautiful lolly - belongs to the British, and by extension, its more sentimental former dominions (not, of course, the United States).
I was versed in the succulent joys of wine gums in Australia. I discovered Maynards, the greatest wine gum, when I was in England. Now I find out they’re available in Canada. The American continent - amazing! I hit on my friends and family in Australia for wine gums. I enjoy the most luck on my birthday, and at Christmas. I have a mate in Old Blighty I’m forever requesting to send me wine gums. A sister recently took up residence in London. Boy, is she going to get it... Now include Canada - a pal there, yes, I hit on him, too. The wine gum packets from Canada are also printed in French. I like that. But I never saw wine gums in France...
I have written to the Maynards Wine Gums factory in Canada...
“Dear Sirs, I am a very big fan of Maynards Wine Gums but unfortunately live in Mexico, and they are not available here. I have previously written to Maynards in England to see if there was some way I could order a supply from them. They wrote back and said there wasn’t. I only recently discovered that Maynards Wine Gums are also available in Canada. I was quite happily surprised - since I also have a friend living there in Vancouver whom I can hit on. But since you guys are part of the American continent and NAFTA partners besides, is there any way I can order wine gums directly from you? I love the candies - I’d be a customer. My address is:
Anthony Wright
Tlalpan 1622, Col. Prado Ermita
03590 Mexico D.F. MEXICO. . I would appreciate hearing from you on this matter. Yours, etc.”
Anyone remember the story about a female comedian who once said on a live T.V. show in the United States that her ambition was to make a million dollars so if any viewer would like to help her out, send a dollar to the T.V. station? And more than a million people did so? She made a million dollars.
Hey! Let’s give this a shot. There’s my address, so if any reader living in Australia, Scotland, England, Ireland or Canada - and I don’t discount New Zealand if you Kiwis happen to have access to wine gums, too - takes pity on me, send this drooling writer Maynard Wine Gums. David McLaughlin, who runs Mexico Connect, can't yet offer us scribblers remuneration for our stories, so how about it?
Oh yeah, David, aren’t you a Canadian?
Anthony Wright is a freelance writer living in Mexico City.
He can be contacted via email at (awrightgrant@yahoo.com.)
