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Last month I compared the phases of cross-cultural love to being inside the head of John Malkovich. This month, only 50 days away from my wedding, my perspective has changed; I don´t think being John Malkovich is crazy enough to describe what I am feeling right now! But alas, I am still here and plugging away, so I will continue with my journey….to the fourth dimension of cross-cultural love and beyond.
The 4th Dimension: Maintaining independence and individuality
After deciding that you are in your cross-cultural relationship for the long run, love continues to keep you going, but only to a certain extent. You need to be a completely developed, fulfilled individual to succeed as a partner. Therefore, I knew that one of the most important things I could do to ensure my success in Mexico was to establish my independence and maintain my individuality. I have seen many American women come to depend so heavily on their Mexican boyfriends or husbands here as a way of defining their own identity that they cease to exist as individuals and instead, become only the better half or "media naranja" of their partners.
As I mentioned last month, I arrived ahead of Carlos in order to establish this very important sense of independence. While he wasn't here, I spent most of my time with his family. This was worthwhile because we came to love each other and I found a very important support group. More than anything, I became very close with Carlos's older sister and her husband. We are close in age, and they were so kind and warm with me; they included me in everything and took it upon themselves to show me the best of Monterrey and Mexican culture. However, because I felt so good with his family, I neglected to work on relationships with my colleagues and people outside the family. I lost some very good opportunities to make strong friendships.
I can trace this decision to spend time with Mexicans only to my experience studying in Spain. For the first few months I was there, I had many American friends and I had a wonderful time, but I learned absolutely no Spanish. Separating myself from those Americans was the best thing I ever did because that is what opened up the door of opportunity to meet Carlos and my Mexican friends. It also facilitated great improvement in my Spanish. The rest of my year and a half in Spain, I did not have one American friend, and I liked it that way.
My first reaction upon arriving in Mexico, then, was something similar - I wanted to avoid Americans at all costs. This is the reason I did not spend any time with the Americans who were my colleagues at school. But slowly, I began to feel a need for people outside the tight, sometimes stifling circle, of Carlos's family. It is hard to talk about problems with your boyfriend to your mother-in-law, because as much as she appears to support you or be on your side, at the end of the day, she is still not your mother…And if your only friends are your boyfriend's family, who do you talk to when you need to vent about how weird they are or how they don't understand you or your culture? Clearly, one must have a neutral third party!
So after my first 4 or 5 months in Monterrey, . . .
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Amy Gray Kirkcaldy lives and works in Monterrey, Mexico.
When not teaching or learning how to dance cumbias, she is planning her Mexican wedding to CarlosAmy's Articles
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